Graysen's Birth Day: My Emotions!!

There's nothing quite like imagining how I wanted my labor and birth to go with Graysen and then getting to experience it almost as I imagined and envisioned it. Both Alivia (her Birth Story) and Nolan's (his Birth Story Part 1 and Birth Story Part 2) birth were beautiful in their own way but they were not as I hoped or prayed them to be. I had wished for both of them to be as free of intervention as possible and if you know or have read my story, you'll know that was not the case for either of my first two births. I was left emotionally and physically drained with my experiences of labor and delivery before I had Graysen. For a long time, I felt so guilty feeling the way I did about the birth of Alivia. Of course, I was so happy that Alivia was healthy and doing well but it was not the birth I had hoped to have and I was really sad and upset about it. It wasn't until my pregnancy and birth with Nolan that I was able to and needed to deal with my unresolved feelings about my cesarean section with Alivia. I had a lot of fear going into a VBAC with Nolan because of what some people say and suggest about having one, and because I was afraid my body would not be able to handle a vaginal birth. I had not had a vaginal birth yet so it was new territory and that scared me. Although my labor and delivery did not go as planned, I'm beyond thankful that I got to have a VBAC.  Having a c-section was a hard birth, going 30 hours then getting an epidural was a hard birth and a lot had to do with the guilt I felt. Heading into the labor and delivery of Graysen, I had to deal with fear again- a different kind of fear. I knew my body could handle a vaginal birth, I had a successful one with Nolan, but I wasn't sure how I would or if I could handle and deal with a natural birth. I once again had to push away those fears and lean on God and my support system. My thoughts surrounding my c-section have changed quite a bit since 5 1/2 years and my feelings of having a birth with more interventions that I wished for almost 4 years ago, but I'm happy to say I know longer feel sad or guilty about my either birth!


I once held on to the fear that my body wasn't strong enough and I would not be able to endure labor without intervention. I was once afraid that it would hurt too much and the only way to birth is with pain medication. I was fearful of not "doing" birth right. This birth allowed me embrace my fears about giving birth. God does not want us to be afraid and that has been a very hard thing for me to overcome. Giving in to these fears meant I was not trusting in God and that he knew what I needed to learn, what I could handle, and how important it has been for me to go through all three of these very different births.


With Graysen, I still had doubts and fears and I was still scared at moments throughout my pregnancy, but I prayed over them. I vocalized my fears with friends and family and made them known. I pushed them away and received love: love that I needed to feel, love that released a feeling of freedom that I didn't need to have a natural birth to prove anything. Big love that emphasized that no matter what birth I had I was strong and experienced one of God's miracles. In the past, I always wanted a natural birth to claim the prize and respect that those seem to get with having a natural birth. In fact, I would judge others who didn't want one and had to get or rather choose to get a C-section or epidural. God knew my ugly heart in this area and gave me a taste of my own medicine! After experiencing both, I prayed to God to have my natural birth I so badly wanted with Graysen. Not because I wanted the trophy prize or the entitlement I thought I would get with a natural birth, but because I truly wanted it for me.


I created a birth plan but knew that if it didn't turn out how I hoped or prayed that it would, I would be just fine. You see, I realized that it was really never about the actual physical pain of giving birth that I was truly fearful of. My enemy was expectations and my fear was of emotional pain. For the first time going into a labor and delivery, I was able to let go of the fear of the pain I would have if I didn't get what I wanted or thought I should have experienced. I didn't focus on the "right" way to birth, but instead held onto the love of God and of my support team. I truly gave in to the experience instead of worrying how it would turn out or how others would react to my birth experience. I let go of the selfishness and ugliness that I held onto for so many years that was inside of me concerning birth . This birth I truly felt God work in me and heal my heart from the pain I had with my previous births.


If it wasn't for my support team, I don't know if I could have experienced the birth I had with Graysen. To my absolutely wonderful husband Ben, your love for me radiated through your constant hand holding, comforting smiles, and encouraging words! I especially remember and loved you comparing my birth to the incline (that you had just hiked a few days before) because it was a really good visual for me. I love you always and forever. Thanks for being the best husband and advocate for me and our kiddos. You really rocked your supporting role as husband and loved on me through those challenging hours. To my absolutely wonderful doula Fiona, my oh my, where do I start. You offered such amazing support over the weeks leading up to my pregnancy and more importantly with the labor and delivery. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God put you in my life so I could accomplish a natural birth. You were helpful and encouraging in every way. And, I couldn't be happier that we chose you to help us in our special day. You stepped up in ways that I didn't know I needed encouragement and said just the right things to help me stay positive even when I wanted to quit. To my absolutely wonderful midwife Jolene, I can't tell you how impressed I am with your techniques and patience. I'm so very glad Ben and I listened to our guts and switched at 30 weeks. I'm without a doubt and 100% positive, I couldn't have had that birth with the OB I had before switching. You were exactly what we needed for the birth I had hoped for. Thank you for allowing me to birth in my own time and for giving me guidance. Hands down BEST hospital birth I've had and it felt like a home birth. I'm simply thankful for these people God put in my life for this experience!